Month: March 2006

Paula and I always love a good caper movie, so when we saw the ads for Heist on TV we thought, hey, looks like a fun diversion.  We were only able to sit through fifteen minutes of this derivative drivel.

NBC sez Heist is “a series driven by unforgettable characters”… absolutely, they’re unforgettable because you’ve seen them in a thousand other movies and TV shows. 

The criminal star characters of this garbage were lifted directly from the Italian Job, Ocean’s Eleven, Mission Impossible, you name it.  There’s Mickey, the handsome, clever criminal mastermind.  James, Mickey’s trusted partner in crime and intellectual fencing partner.  “Pops”, the wise, criminal father-figure (with requisite fedora and members-only jacket).  Ricky, the cute, Bronx-accented, wet-behind-the-ears thief.  And, of course, Lola, the beautiful but extra-tough she-thug who will punch you in the mouth as soon as you call her “babe”.

The law-enforcement characters are no better.  There’s Amy, the beautiful cop with a huge chip on her shoulder… trying hard to make a name for herself in a man’s world.  There’s Billy, the overweight, narrow-minded cop who speaks his mind without restraint… waffling between offensive and endearingly honest.  The only cop who hasn’t become jaded and cynical is Tyrese, the young idealistic black detective.

Let’s see, in the first fifteen minutes, Mickey and James show how clever they are by casually robbing a jewelry store, quizzing each other on ancient history to help pass the time.  Amy, the cop making a name for herself, busts a ring of thieves who rob moving trains (the noisy train robbers driving 4x4s were without hubris or subtlety, it was obvious they’d be arrested).  Amy then (without so much as a good night’s sleep) goes to investigate Mikey and James’s break-in.  Mikey is, of course, on the roof across the street, taking pictures of Amy investigating the robbery.

Scene: looking at Amy through the lens of a powerful camera.  The shutter releases several times, three back and white images of Amy in rapid succession.

Zoom in from street level to Mikey on the roof across the street with a camera.

Mikey: “Keep your enemies close…”

Fade out.  End scene.

Holy crap!  The thing that shocks me is this: somebody in LA pushed back from their keyboard and thought to themselves… “Man, this is great stuff.”