NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete
it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail
virus
yet... Not only will it re-write your hard drive, it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate
your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and
your
milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,
reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and
use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It
will
give your ex-boy/girlfriend (ex-husband/wife) your new phone number. It
will
mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and
leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
your
car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes
will
make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you
nightmares
about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your
Nair
with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend
(husband/wife)
behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It
will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such
is the
power of Badtimes. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those
things we
hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will
leave the
toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a
full
bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and
pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and
subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs.
If you see this virus, my god have mercy on your soul.