"Welcome! You have reached the psychiatric hotline."

• If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1...repeatedly. and then clean the phone off 27 times.
• If you are co-dependent tell someone th press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4, and 5.
• If you are schizophrenic listen to the little voice in your head and do what it says.
• If you are paranoid don't press anything, we have your number and we know who you are.
• IF you are neurotic, first call your mother and ask her if you can use the hotline.
• If you are a depressive it doesn't matter which number you prress, no one will answer anyway.
• If you have recovered memories you will remember which number to press.
• If you are manic, press all the numbers really quickly.
• if you are having problems with your teenage children, ask them which number to press, they know everything.
• If you have panic attacks, quick, hide the phone and run.
• If your family is dysfunctional, fight and argue about which number to press.
• If you are a violent phsychopath, pick up the phone and throw it across the room so it shatters into a million pieces.
• If you are a pathological liar, don't call but tell everone you did.
• If you are a chronic procrastinator dial 7-tomorrow.
• If you are suicidal, dial 9 while wrapping the phone cord tightly around your neck
• If you are narcissistic, stand infront to a full length mirror and watch yourself press 8.
• If you suffer from an inferiority complex, press 6 and then hang up. You're not worth speaking to anyway.
• If you are achronic shoplifter, steal a phone and press 9.
• if you are a psychiatrist, diagnose yourself and figure out which nyumber to call.
• If you are a doctor, take two asprin and call in the morning.