Some tips for surviving Sci Fi movies

If you find yourself anywhere near a mining operation: hail a cab, pronto.

image In the future we’re big on strip-mining other planets. I have yet to see a Sci-Fi movie where a freighter full of soldiers and Mega Corp employees travel light years to a foreign solar system then farm the hell out of some unsuspecting planet. Know why? Because bad stuff doesn’t happen to farmers. Miners, on the other hand, seem to have the karmic deck stacked against them. Archeologists are only slightly safer. The conservative among you should just avoid breaking rocks at all.

Short, dark and pretty

If you’re joining a military squad, look for the one with the tough Latina. The universe is chock full of massively muscled, BFG-toting ultra soldiers. If you spot a little woman from Puerto Rico you can be sure she’s something special… she’s made it this far. Rest assured, when all the other space marines wet their pants and go to pieces, this woman will keep you alive.

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Avoid robots, robots are bad

image image Sure, they may seem like they’re there to help you, but then that’s when all the screaming and running and blood starts. There are robots out there to kill you too. You can trust them, at least they’re honest wanting to kill your worthless meatbag self. Basically avoid them all. The good ones will break, then kill you. The bad ones will just kill you (yeah, you wish they’d break).

Don’t touch that

Alien-eggs

No, seriously, don’t touch it. Do you know what it’s for? Do you know how to use it? Is it poisonous? How about what happened to the last guy who touched it? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Please just put your hands in your pockets.

Keep your friends close and your engineer closer

AttemptedDeathofHAL

Your junk is going to break because it’s… well… junk. The big mega corporation that is funding your little operation only cares about the bottom line (note: evil corporations don’t need a separate warning because corporations are evil and cheep, just like the real world). So, as sure as death and taxes, you better be able to fix it when it breaks. I know, the engineer is chatty, overweight and a general PITA, but keep an eye on him. After all, you can’t toss the bad guys out the airlock when the latch is jammed.

Finally

No good ever comes from pissing off Sigourney Weaver.

Should you sit through the credits? Check MovieStinger

You’ve made it to the end of the movie and the credits start to roll. Your soda is empty, your pop corn bag is mostly empty (it’s cold and you’re out of soda) and you probably really need to use the restroom.

Hang on a second… there might be still be more movie. Should you leave?

Worry no more, MovieStinger has the info you need, and it’s in a handy mobile phone friendly format (if you visit from your phone).

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New releases will tend to show on the first page, but if a movie isn’t shown (or if you’re watching an oldie) you can also browse their database by genre or title.

You also don’t need to worry about MovieStinger spoiling the surprise either, it just tells you if there are extras or not. Note: if you want to know exactly what to expect, you can click on an entry to get the full details, but where’s the fun in that?

Seriously, watch this 70 minute movie review

I really don’t quite believe it myself. I just watched a seventy minute review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Yes, 70… an hour and ten minutes. I honestly thought “meh, I’ll check out the beginning of the review, the first part is about the characters, it’s just 10 minutes, then I’ll move on.”

imageThere was a slight problem. This review is fantastic. It’s brutal, funny and, at times, a truly bizarre dissection of the Star Wars “prequel”. The reason I was able to sit through all seven ten minute segments is because this isn’t a two-bit hack job by a bored teenager with a pirated copy of Final Cut Pro. This is a detailed analysis of the plot, characters and structure of the film by a filmmaking professional. It’s entertaining because it’s dead on… and because the reviewer likes Pizza rolls and appears to have a woman tied up in his basement.

image I know, I don’t believe myself. Sit through over an hour of analysis of a major cinematic disappointment? Would you believe Damon Lindelof, co-creator of lost and producer of Star Trek? Mr. Lindelof said: “Your life is about to change. This is astounding film making. Watch ALL of it.” (no, I had no idea who Damon Lindelof was either)

So, go ahead and try it. It’s wafer thin.

See? Told you so. Go on over to Slash Film for the rest, they have all the segments conveniently embedded in a single page. I’ll bet if you click play on all of them in rapid succession it will take less than 70 minutes to watch. It will, however, probably be hard to understand.

King of Kong: a great story for gamers and non-gamers alike.

I wouldn’t say I’m a fan of documentaries… but I can’t say I don’t like them either.  Given the choice, however, I’m much more likely to pick an action adventure.  But who could pass up a story with a likable underdog, down on his luck and fighting against the establishment for recognition?

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters tells the story of an out of work guy from Seattle who decides to beat the world record score for Donkey Kong.  The documentary follows his progress as he strives to take the crown from a champion who, it seems, may not deserve it. 

Steve Wiebe isn’t your average gamer, he’s attractive, was a jock and has a beautiful family. When Steve looses his job he decides to focus his competitive energy on something he can do from home, while caring for his children: beat a world record on a classic video game.  When he wades into the world of competitive video games, populated with… well… people who weren’t jocks, it’s almost like high school all over again, only this time, the geeks have the upper hand.  Can Steve prevail? Watch and find out, you never can tell how it may end.

 

My rating: worth the cost of a rental and the time to watch it.