If you find yourself anywhere near a mining operation: hail a cab, pronto.

In the future we’re big on strip-mining other planets. I have yet to see a Sci-Fi movie where a freighter full of soldiers and Mega Corp employees travel light years to a foreign solar system then farm the hell out of some unsuspecting planet. Know why? Because bad stuff doesn’t happen to farmers. Miners, on the other hand, seem to have the karmic deck stacked against them. Archeologists are only slightly safer. The conservative among you should just avoid breaking rocks at all.

Short, dark and pretty

If you’re joining a military squad, look for the one with the tough Latina. The universe is chock full of massively muscled, BFG-toting ultra soldiers. If you spot a little woman from Puerto Rico you can be sure she’s something special... she’s made it this far. Rest assured, when all the other space marines wet their pants and go to pieces, this woman will keep you alive.

Avoid robots, robots are bad

Sure, they may seem like they’re there to help you, but then that’s when all the screaming and running and blood starts. There are robots out there to kill you too. You can trust them, at least they’re honest wanting to kill your worthless meatbag self. Basically avoid them all. The good ones will break, then kill you. The bad ones will just kill you (yeah, you wish they’d break).

Don’t touch that

No, seriously, don’t touch it. Do you know what it’s for? Do you know how to use it? Is it poisonous? How about what happened to the last guy who touched it? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Please just put your hands in your pockets.

Keep your friends close and your engineer closer

Your junk is going to break because it’s... well... junk. The big mega corporation that is funding your little operation only cares about the bottom line (note: evil corporations don’t need a separate warning because corporations are evil and cheep, just like the real world). So, as sure as death and taxes, you better be able to fix it when it breaks. I know, the engineer is chatty, overweight and a general PITA, but keep an eye on him. After all, you can’t toss the bad guys out the airlock when the latch is jammed.

Finally

No good ever comes from pissing off Sigourney Weaver.

You’ve made it to the end of the movie and the credits start to roll. Your soda is empty, your pop corn bag is mostly empty (it’s cold and you’re out of soda) and you probably really need to use the restroom.

Hang on a second... there might be still be more movie. Should you leave?

Worry no more, MovieStinger has the info you need, and it’s in a handy mobile phone friendly format (if you visit from your phone).

New releases will tend to show on the first page, but if a movie isn’t shown (or if you’re watching an oldie) you can also browse their database by genre or title.

You also don’t need to worry about MovieStinger spoiling the surprise either, it just tells you if there are extras or not. Note: if you want to know exactly what to expect, you can click on an entry to get the full details, but where’s the fun in that?

I really don’t quite believe it myself. I just watched a seventy minute review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Yes, 70... an hour and ten minutes. I honestly thought “meh, I’ll check out the beginning of the review, the first part is about the characters, it’s just 10 minutes, then I’ll move on.”

There was a slight problem. This review is fantastic. It’s brutal, funny and, at times, a truly bizarre dissection of the Star Wars “prequel”. The reason I was able to sit through all seven ten minute segments is because this isn’t a two-bit hack job by a bored teenager with a pirated copy of Final Cut Pro. This is a detailed analysis of the plot, characters and structure of the film by a filmmaking professional. It’s entertaining because it’s dead on… and because the reviewer likes Pizza rolls and appears to have a woman tied up in his basement.

I know, I don’t believe myself. Sit through over an hour of analysis of a major cinematic disappointment? Would you believe Damon Lindelof, co-creator of lost and producer of Star Trek? Mr. Lindelof said: “Your life is about to change. This is astounding film making. Watch ALL of it.” (no, I had no idea who Damon Lindelof was either)

So, go ahead and try it. It’s wafer thin.

See? Told you so. Go on over to Slash Film for the rest, they have all the segments conveniently embedded in a single page. I’ll bet if you click play on all of them in rapid succession it will take less than 70 minutes to watch. It will, however, probably be hard to understand.

I wouldn't say I'm a fan of documentaries... but I can't say I don't like them either.  Given the choice, however, I'm much more likely to pick an action adventure.  But who could pass up a story with a likable underdog, down on his luck and fighting against the establishment for recognition?

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters tells the story of an out of work guy from Seattle who decides to beat the world record score for Donkey Kong.  The documentary follows his progress as he strives to take the crown from a champion who, it seems, may not deserve it. 

Steve Wiebe isn't your average gamer, he's attractive, was a jock and has a beautiful family. When Steve looses his job he decides to focus his competitive energy on something he can do from home, while caring for his children: beat a world record on a classic video game.  When he wades into the world of competitive video games, populated with... well... people who weren't jocks, it's almost like high school all over again, only this time, the geeks have the upper hand.  Can Steve prevail? Watch and find out, you never can tell how it may end.

My rating: worth the cost of a rental and the time to watch it.

I don't know what reminded me of this short film, but once in my head I had to go find it an watch it again.

Steven Tsuchida's short film about the ups and downs of finding roommates won a whole mess of awards in 2003.

Saint Patrick's day weekend is a three day weekend here in Ireland (hey, we don't get president's day), combine that with Paula still being sick and we had plenty of time to just vegge in front of the boob-tube. All we needed to do was find a good batch of entertainment.

We bought Revenge of the Sith about six months ago but we never got around to watching it.  We couldn't, of course, just start with episode III, we had to start at the "beginning", episode I (as painful as that would be to sit through).

Watching the whole series in the space of 5 days brought up a few of questions. 

1. When Obi-Wan dies he vanishes, leaving just his cloak.  When Yoda dies, he vanishes leaving no clothes at all.  When Darth dies, he leaves everything behind, clothes, meat-sack and all.
2. Why did Leia set out to bring Obi-Wan and the death star plans to Alderaan?  The rebel base was on Tatooine.  You're going to great lengths to find this guy, why send him on a wild goose chase?
3. At the end of episode VI when glowing Obi-Wan, Yoda and Anakin show up to watch the end party, why is Obi-Wan all old and Anakin all young?  Sure, George had to make his re-edits... but that one is just dumb.
4. If Obi-Wan and the rebels were going to such great lengths to hide Luke from his father why didn't they change his name to something other than Skywalker?  Combine that with stashing him on Darth Vader's home planet with Darth's step-brother and it makes me wonder how many brain cells Anakin had left functioning after being given the oven-baked ham treatment.

I guess it doesn't take a genius to poke holes in George Lucas's writing.  But honestly now, how were the Jedi able to keep peace in the galaxy when all it takes to defeat them is persistent taunting?

Jedi: "Stop you fiend! Put down those stolen power converters!"

Thief: "Oh no! The Jedi! Say, how's your mother?  She still mad that I dumped her and dating your sister?"

Jedi: "Oh!!! Why you! Grrr!! .... Aw nuts.  Let me help you carry those."

Thief: "Thanks"

 Mike aggregated some wonderful news about a new feature coming to Xbox 360 on November 22nd: video on demand.  HD content will be available for free and for pay to download direct to your hard drive-equipped Xbox 360.

My first thought?  SWEET!  Living in Ireland has a lot of upside but the downside is no NetFlix and no TiVo.  This service is the answer to a huge need.

 
Your 360 is now a great way to watch movies!

Well... it would be the answer to my need if it weren't for the fact that the service will be for US Xboxes only.  I suppose it comes as no surprise given that international copyright law is a deep murky pool... filled with hungry sharks... and with little floaty things edged with razor blades... and all the ladders out are greased... and electrified.

At any rate, Xbox owners back in America: congratulations... [scowl grumble grumble]

Do you like movies?  Do you like spoofs?  Are you just tired of the hype around Brokeback Mountain? 

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, here's a little Friday diversion for you: check out the movie trailers for "Brokeback To The Future" and "Top Gun 2, Brokeback Squadron". 

I found the pointers to these clips in a great NPR article on spoof movie trailers (and for you etymologysts, it has an interesting little sidebar on the origin of the word "satire").  The NPR story links to a number of spoofs, including my favorite, a trailer for a nice, uplifting comedic drama, "Shining".

(note: don't bother watching the trailers for "Big" or "Taxi Driver", they fall short)

The broadband world has been here for a while but getting good content over the net is still not a simple matter.  Where's that on-demand, world-wide entertainment network we've been promised?

Well, for you fans of Indian movies there is now a site for you which allows you to download digital copies of movies.  Movies like Raincoat which your local movie store will never carry... or new releases like Dhoom which even aren't yet available on Netflix.  Not only are the latest movies available but you can get them much faster than driving to your local video store and way faster than Blockbuster Online.

If movies with people randomly bursting in to song and dance are your cup of tea, then check out Masala Downloads (http://www.masaladownloads.com).

If, on the other hand, Jean-Claude Van Damme is your cup of tea... simply switch on Spike TV... he's sure to show up at some point.

Imagine a 90 minute classical music video filmed in beautiful locations.

Imagine a martial arts sword movie with lots of wire work.

Toss the two in a Cuisenart...et voilà! Hero.

Hero is a true visual and musical treat for fans of Chinese/Hong Kong martial arts movies.  Containing more emotional content then any action film ought to, presenting a striking visual style and possessed of a musical score with acres of pedigree Hero is a movie that defies you to find a frame of reference.

While the pure artistry of this movie is beyond compare, it is a martial arts movie... if you don't like the genre, you may find the story won't hold your attention.  If, however, you're up for a feast of optic gluttony served up with a heaping side of musical goodness, you won't be disappointed.  Tan Dun's score featuring Itzhak Perlman and KODO Drummers of Japan makes you just sit back and rub your belly.  Mmmm... tasty.

I could go on about how beautiful this movie is... but instead I ask you to just look... the use of color in this film borders on overwhelming and yet is delivered with incomparable precision... they whipped out a big ol' Technicolor sledge hammer and did finish carpentery... and you won't find a missed stroke anywhere.

We rented a few last weekend, here's the good, the bad and the ugly (make that the crappy, the fun and the long).

Hard Cash
Hey look!  An action movie with Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, Daryl Hannah and William Forsythe.  Paula, Mark and I looked at each other, shrugged and rented it.  Don't you make this same mistake.  I now understand why this stinker went straight to video.  It starts off crappy and low-budget and then... well, it sucked so bad we turned it off.  I got my good deed for the year out of the way early... I took the bullet for you on this film. 2005 is looking great already (it certainly can't get any worse).

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
The Christian Slater stinker left a bad taste in our mouth, a little mindless fun in the form of a sequel to a movie based off a video game was in order.  The Cradle of Life is a fun, fast action flick with a likable cast of characters headed up by the smart-Alec, butt-kicking Croft (played by the first lady of lips, Angelina Jolie).  Okay, I've gotten over that she used to carry around Billy Bob Thorton's blood in a locket and it no longer creeps me out to look at her.  The acting is great across the board and the great cast does what they can with a mediocre script.  Don't expect a detailed thriller and you won't be disappointed.

The Return of the King (Extended version)
Make sure you set aside more than four hours to watch this fluffed up version of Peter Jackson's final installment.  Either add the extra time or get a mini-fridge and a catheter for your TV room.  Though it is long, it is a fun watch (and given the choice, I'd rather sit through this than Gandhi).  The added scenes don't add significant plot points from the book but merely suggest them (e.g. there are some added scenes with Eowyn and Faramir in the Houses of the Healing, enough to remind book fans of the romance between the two but not enough to give people who haven't read the books an idea of what happened).  My major complaint remains that Peter Jackson changed some significant and not so significant story-lines that I thought did add to the books.  In particular I was disappointed by his handling of the Saruman sub-plot and when the undead army appeared (the whole point in the book was the suspense of the pirate fleet landing... the movie tells you in advance that the pirate fleet is friendly).  One big plus of the extended DVD:  they've extended the scene of Peter Jackson getting stuck through the chest with one of Legolas's arrows... it's a cathartic (but as far as directors screwing stuff up goes, I still think George Lucas is more evil).  

  
Click for a larger version.

This week's contest at b3ta is to add one word to a movie title. I needed a break and couldn't resist (Turns out shortly after the Harry met Sally picture was taken she bumped into him and he took a swing at her).

With the release of the Star Wars DVDs last week everyone has the classic films on the brain.  And what goes better with classic films than classic rock?

Mad props to the_man361... whoever you are.

If you were a geeky kid who spent a lot of time reading Greek adventures as a kid you'll be able to keep up with this movie, if not you'll likely miss a good chunk of Troy.  The movie is more notable for what it lacks than what it has.  I do give the movie high marks for production values, acting, and cinematography but too little was spent on the screen writer and the score (though it could be argued the music tried valiantly to pick up the fumbled script).

Troy attempts to condense Homer's Iliad down to an audience-digestible length of 165 minutes.  Perhaps out of fear of looking too much like The Clash of the Titans the storyline is given a more realistic angle by eliminating the very big plot point of the gods.  After doing away with the magic the writers also decided to dispense with character development since the audience would know the big names like Achilles, Odysseus and Ajax (let's take a leap of faith and assume today's movie going audience also has a taste for 2800 year-old Greek epic poems).  There are so many characters in this movie that the screen writers found it easier to simply pigeon-hole them into action movie stereotypes than to detail the motivation and conflicts.  Granted, there wasn't a lot of time but you just can't squeeze an Epic into a two-plus hour movie simply by calling it an Epic movie.  Even condensing the nine year siege of Troy down to 14 days left them with no room to fit in the scale of this massive story.

On the plus side the movie has more than a few entertaining combat sequences, even though they were a little higher on the splatter-factor than needed (not quite Tarantino gore, but lacking the absurdity to temper it).  The action was fast paced but the violence detracted from it (sure, violence is bad, but please keep the reality out of my escapism).  Particularly cringe-worthy was the drawn out scene where you get to watch a character gurgle and choke, dying from a gaping, bubbling throat wound.  Yummy.  Parents, this movie is violent, well deserving of its 'R' rating.

The movie also features the maximum amount of beefcake allowable by law.  So if you intend this as a date movie be forewarned: you'll either look like a sicko for taking your date to see the violence or you'll look like a fat putz compared to the well muscled (and extremely well oiled) bodies of Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana.

All said, this movie is definitely worth a rental.  It's quite well filmed so you'd do well to take the rental over to the house of your friend with the really big TV and bitchin' sound setup.  If you really want to see it on the big screen, please don't pay full price.  I paid ten bucks and am still steamed 24hrs later.

Rating: Rental

I'll tolerate a lot for some mindless entertainment... so when Out for a Kill was on USA network last night I had MCE record it.  It only took 10 minutes for me to write off this movie.  What a piece of crap!  You can't spend the first 30 minutes of a Stephen Segal movie with no action... it's just painful.  Yes, after 10 minutes I decided the movie sucked and I waited an additional 20 minutes to see some action (guess what? the action sucked too).

My advice: do not see this movie.  In fact, go out of your way to not see this movie.  If a network broadcasts this movie, call up your cable/satellite provider and demand that network be removed from their lineup.

The only positive thing this movie did was remind me to post a notice to directors and aspiring directors: please, for the sake of all that is holy, stop using slow motion in an attempt to make your movie look cool.  The money you spent by running your cameras faster would have been better spent on a script writer.